


Utica gets drafted

by Hobnob69



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race (US) RPF
Genre: Canon Compliant, Crack, F/F, F/M, I think I want tamisha iman to be a sergeant, Joey jay is canonically 14 years old, Rupaul is prime minister, This seasons a bit dead isn’t it, tina burner steps on a landmine
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-18 09:01:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28864464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hobnob69/pseuds/Hobnob69
Summary: When Utica wakes up from a restful coma and finds out she’s been drafted for a war, what will she do? Whacky antics will ensue, that’s for sure! (Warning: Will include death and war crimes. Some of your favourite queens will die, there’s nothing I can do about it.)
Relationships: Denali/Rosé (Drag Race), RuPaul Charles & Michelle Visage, Utica Queen/Symone
Comments: 49
Kudos: 41





	1. Vietnam one, we’ve only just begone

**Author's Note:**

> My great aunty Dorris lived through two world wars. I want to ask her about it some time, but her racism just slips out whenever she talks. I can’t even ask her to stop being racist because her hearing aid is fucked. Anyway enjoy sorry I got off track there

It was a sunny morning in Sheffield, the birds were singing, the bin men were working somewhat quietly, and utica stirred from her coma and awoke with a loud and kooky yawn.

Just as she did every morning, she went through her bin bag of clothes to find something totally random to wear. She finally settled on a twilight tank top and a bowtie with rainbow slacks and a pair of satin shorts completed with a clip-on wolf tail. She’d outdone herself, truly.

She had to look her best for her job. You see, Utica was a seasoned lesbian charity shop worker, the best in the business even. She prided herself on that. Sheffield depended on her for all her charity shop expertise. A heavy burden, but one she was willing to carry.

After a quick sip of old bong water and a belvita breakfast bar, Utica was ready to head out the door and face the world. Mostly she’d be facing slurs from the general public, but that was a price she was willing to pay for being lesbian.

Before she could even open her front door, she heard a manly knock.

“What in the biscuit crumble was that.” Utica thought out loud, tripping over her shoelaces goofily and giving herself a whacky concussion.

“It’s me, symone.” The voice answered from the other side.

“Ok” Utica laughed, opening the door which was really more of a wooden plank with a few loose screws sticking out of it.

She had no idea who symone was but she was happy to have made a new friend so early in the morning. Truth was people were normally intimidated by Uticas silly name, so making friends was a real challenge for her. That and her hands were always sticky.

Symone walked in and began to cry from the smell of cheese turnovers and Greggs sausage rolls. It was an intense smell, but one utica had learnt to love. Just as symone would learn to love utica and they would go on tandem bike rides together.

“Nice to meet you I’m utica.” She said holding out her hand which was covered in jam.

“We work together you silly cow. We’ve worked together for nine years.” Symone sighed, stepping back out the doorway and talking from a distance as to not be sick from the smell.

Utica remembered now. The other day she’d self-diagnosed herself with dementia, so she was dealing with the effects of that. Mental illness sure was a bitch.

“Sorry syndrome. Why are you here?” 

Symone grabbed a newspaper from her charity shop sesame street handbag shoved it into Utica’s hands. Utica couldn’t read on account of her dyslexia but the energy coming from the paper was terrible.

“Haven’t you heard? There’s a war going on over covid vaccine distributions. Every man and woman that sort of looks like a man is getting drafted. That’s you girl.”

She didn’t know what covid was, but the war bit sounded serious. In twilight breaking dawn part 2 there was a massive war between vampires and werewolves so if it was anything like that somebody was going to get hurt.

Utica began to sob as she read the newspaper headline dyslexicly. Oh god no, this couldn’t be happening. During her coma, a war had broken out! She couldn’t fight in a war, there would be no reception to post her superwholock fanfiction. Plus somebody might kill her maybe. 

“Simon! You’ve got to help me!” Utica began to plead, getting down on her knees. “I know we’ve only just met, but I’m too young to die, I’m only in my mid fourties!”

“Thems the cards. Alright peace I’m going to the bingo with the ladies.”

“No! Don’t leave me just yet! Let’s go to the prime minister and explain my situation.” (I headcannon the prime minister lives in Sheffield) Utica said, shuffling on her knees out the door and next to her new best friend. “I’m too frail, my bones are all fucked!”

“Jesus, alright go take a shower first. I’ll meet you outside.” She agreed, snatching back the newspaper from Utica’s Jammy hands and going to the crossword section. Classic symon.

“Oh thankyou! Thank you!” Utica cried, getting off her knees whilst coughing and wheezing a little. For some reason she had a really bad cough for the last two weeks now, but she figured if it carried on she could self diagnose with influenza or something.

After a short shower and a long piss, utica ran out her front door to find symone stood there smoking a comically large cigarette.

“Who are you?” Utica said kookily.

“I hope this war kills you.” Symone said grimly. “Let’s go.”

Utica hadn’t left the house in a while on account of her coma, but looking around there was destruction and dismay. Dead bodies surrounded them, all nasty like. School kids beating each other with mallets. There were even a few stray dogs walking around who seemed fine, but maybe they had dog ptsd or something idk.

“Siman everything looks normal to me, are you sure there’s a war on?” Utica said, petting a stray dog then sniffing her hand.

“I’m sure as shit. This wars been hell on all of us. America really wants our vaccines. But like I say to my diabetic nephew asking for insulin, you can’t have it.” Symone said taking a huge fuckoff drag of her ciggie. “Alright we’re here.”

Utica had never seen a building this big. She’d only ever seen two buildings, a charity shop, and her house. She was actually born in the charity shop, where she was sold to an old lady for 45p. The old lady thought she was a novelty wallace and gromit figurine for the first ten years of her life.

“This is bonkers bananas. What do I say to them?” The extremely tall lesbian quaked in fear, her bones clacking together loudly as she shivered.

“Tell them there’s been a mixup and you can’t fight in the war. Say you have clicky bone disease or something.” Symone said, getting out some more ciggies and popping them in her mouth (I headcannon symone has a niccotine addiction.)

“That’ll never work.” Utica shook her head. “Crumbly bone disease on the other hand, I may be able to pull off.”

Symone nodded and slapped her special friend on the back, inhaling nine cigarettes in one drag. “You’re fucking demented. I’m going to the bingo.”

“I hope I see you again one day.”

“Alright. Later fuckwadd.”

Just like that, her newest and best friend in the world was gone. Such a close friendship, formed in half an hour...but it felt like nine years. Utica turned around and looked at the building with great fear in her eyes. It was now or never...

Upon entering the building it was properly swanky. There were at least five potted plants, and even a receptionist who still had most of her teeth. Utica just about pissed herself in fear.

“My name is Rosé. Can I help you sweaty.” The receptionist said, recoiling from Utica’s destinctive smell. 

“Why did you tell me your name.” Utica said, eating some of the complimentary desk candy.

“I thought it was worth mentioning. That’s not candy they’re decorative rocks.”

“Ok. I need to see the prime minister. It’s important because if they send me to fight in the war I’ll probably die.”

“That’s the idea.” The pink haired lady smiled knowingly.

“Is there anything you can do? What if I give you a handjob! I’ll give you a kiss on the cheek!” Utica pleaded, getting on her hands and knees again, but she was used to it on account of praying to Jesus all the time. “I’ll do anything oh god please.”

“I don’t want a handjob. Your hands are covered in jam. Second door on the left is the prime ministers office.”

Utica got off her bony knees wordlessly and took one more candy for the road. Frankly she didn’t know what to expect. She walked over to the door and knocked like sheldon from the Big Bang theory. God she was such a nerd.

“Come in...” a booming voice sounded on the other side. Utica gulped. She was so nervous, she felt like she had rocks in her stomach. But then she remembered her dear friend semen. Oh god, their friendship went so hard. It was a rock solid friendship.

She had to do this. For s-...her friend.

She turned the handle and made her way inside.

Buscuit crumble! The prime minister was rupaul charles! What a funny twist. Utica felt a wave of relief wash over her. Rupaul was a devout Christian just like her, and sometimes they would even baptise each other at their local chapel.

“Oh thank goodness hello rupaul.”

“Fuck who are you, why are you in my office. I want you to leave immediately.”

Classic rupaul! That’s politicians for you. Utica bowed traditionally like a japan ease woman (she learnt that on tumblr) then took it upon herself to sit down and help herself to some more complimentary rocks.

“I think you know why I’m here rupaul Charles, I can’t fight in this war! I’m too frail and my limbs will snap like a twiglet!” The lesbian yelled with such conviction and volume it bounced off the walls.

“Hmmm.” Rupaul said aloud, putting away his A4 picture of Michelle visage. “You know I’m a very busy woman, lots of paperwork, lots of fracking. I don’t have time for clowns like you.”

Utica bowed her head kookily in defeat. That was it, she was a goner. And yet, she had one more trick up her sleeve...

“What if I give you a handjob?”

“No your hands are covered in jam. You’re going to war first thing tomorrow. Get out of my office and never come back.”

Utica let out a quiet konichiwa and left the room, tears streaking down her gaunt face and walked out into the rainy street. She raised her fists to the air and yelled at god, her knees bloody from all the kneeling she’d done today.

Come tomorrow she should be fighting in a war for which she didn’t know the cause. Her friends faces flashed before her eyes, sheldon, rosey....others. 

She dipped her fingers in a muddy puddle and drew war stripes on her face. If this was to be her final stand...so be it. 

Utica was drafted, and by god she would fight. God had a plan for her, and she would fulfil her heavenly fathers requests.

Utica was going to war.


	2. Vietnam 2 electric boogaloo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uticas on her way to fight the good fight. Along the way, she finds out that friendship truly is magic, and that land mines go off when you step on them!

The clock struck 5am and Utica’s alarm went off (Christian radio hits.) Usually she would wake with a loud and kooky yawn, but today was different. Today she woke with terror and with fear.

For today was the day, utica was going to war.

She got up and cracked her long limbs one by one then got changed into her best army gear. She couldn’t find any camouflage, but she did have some lawn clippings and some wet mud to drape over a neon bodysuit so she would probably be alright.

As utica stepped outside a large chopper flew down and landed on her house, destroying all of her treasured personal belongings and precious memories. That was a bit of a bitch. Utica sighed goofily and shook her head.

“Oi!” Someone shouted from above. Jesus Christ, It was symone! “Utica get in the fucking helicopter!”

“Simon! Why are you flying a chopper? You work in a charity shop” Utica said loading her stuff into the trunk (sorry I’m not sure if choppers have trunks)

“Just a bit of fun isn’t it. I like the feeling of having other people’s lives at my fingertips. Knowing that at any given moment I can destroy myself and others in an agonising fiery inferno. Alright get in.” Symone said putting on her aviator glasses and taking a puff of her novelty cigar.

“Alright.” Utica laughed, taking one last look at what once was her house. A feint feeling of melancholy washed over her for a moment as a shiver of the ghosts of her past raced through her mind, a mixture of acceptance and a deep desire to cling on to the life she once had. Then she farted and got on the chopper.

Upon entering there were a shittonne of people staring at her. Including the pink receptionist from last chapter for some reason (It’s rosé please keep up.) the war really was calling on stupid people to fight for a stupid cause.

“Hey.” A stranger said reluctantly, giving Utica’s hand a quick shake, regretting it immediately on account of how sticky Utica’s hands were. “I’m Gotmik, it’s nice to meet you.”

“No I don’t have any milk.” Utica checked, patting the pockets of her neon jumpsuit.

“No I mean-“

“Time for takeoff.” Symone screamed to the people in the back, stubbing out her cigar on a tank of gasoline. “In the case of an emergency, pray that your god is pitiful enough to grant you a swift and painless end. Buckle up.”

Just like that they were soaring through the air like some sort of large bird. Maybe an emu. The view of Sheffield was beautiful from a emu’s eye view, you could hardly see all the heroin needles and stray dogs. Truly gorgeous.

“Cool isn’t it. Im joey. I’m only 14 and I’ve never been in an chopper. Do you collect Pokémon cards?” The little boy sat next her said illiterately, playing fortnite on his Nintendo switch.

“I collect hair I find on the streets. Do you know where we’re going little boy?” She asked as it struck her she didn’t actually have any idea where they were going.

“Rupaul said we were going to Disneyland. He’s a nice man.” Joey said happily, his rosy little cheeks lighting up with glee. “He even paid my mum some money.”

Everyone on the chopper began laughing at joey. What a stupid little boy he was!

“No joey you stupid little fuck.” Mik said, chugging a pint of milk as to keep his bones healthy and strong “we’ve been drafted for a war. We’re going to Texas to fight the Americans. And also your mum sold you lmao.”

“Oh.” Joey sobbed, blowing some snot bubbles. “Boy I sure do miss my mum.”

Everyone nodded in agreement, except Utica, she never had a mum. She did however have Jesus which was an alright substitute, even if he didn’t pay child support.

“Look on the bright side guys, once we win this war, we can all go back to our fantastic lives.” Rosé said pinkly. “I for one have a fantastic wife waiting for me who loves me very much and is happy and healthy.”

“No I got drafted too.” Denali said, poking her head out of the overhead luggage. She’d been hiding up there because there weren’t enough seats. “Everyone you know and love got drafted.”

“Oh whack.” Rosé said, shutting the overhead luggage and taking out a bottle of scotch. (Out of character)

The journey took about 20 minutes before they landed in the army base. It might of been longer but Utica passed out for a while because symone decided to keep doing low altitude nose dives and barrel rolls.

“Boy that sure was some journey!” Joey said throwing up as soon as his feet touched the ground. “Symone you were screaming a lot.”

“No matter how high I flew, I couldn’t touch the face of god joey. I just couldn’t. Alright everyone out”

Texas was hotter than a emu’s cooch. Utica was used to the cold climate of England, so the heat made her skin sizzle like a rasher of bacon. It smelt delicious, but she couldn’t help but feel a little homesick. The smell reminded her of Greggs.

“Homesick huh?” Denali said, climbing out of the overhead luggage and patting the tall lesbians back reassuringly. “You know, whenever I get homesick I like to bust a sick ass move.”

“That’s ableist” Utica sighed, getting in line while an intimidating woman eyed them all down.

Biscut crumble! It was colonel Visage! She was dressed like a dominatrix and only had one leg. Sort of like a sexy pirate.

“LISTEN UP MAGGOTS. YOU’RE HERE TO FIGHT, I DONT WANT NO SHENANIGANS, YOU DIG?” Michelle roared masculinely, her heaving bosoms jiggling in the warm summer breeze.

“Actually I-“ Olivia started. Michelle took out her shotgun and blasted her in the leg, shattering it on impact. 

“ANY MORE QUESTIONS?” 

Everyone shook their heads unanimously. Michelle sure was one scary lady. Scarier than a emu’s cooch! Olivia keeled over in agony.

“GO TO YOUR BUNKERS. WE START AT 1700 HOURS FUCKERS.”

With that they were dismissed. It has been a long and arduous day, and Utica’s rattly bones were tired. Everyone made their way over to the sleeping quarters saggily. Upon entering Instead of bunk beds there was one gigantic bed, probably because rupaul was a stingy bastard.

“This is whack. I ran out of fuel now I’m stuck here with you assholes.” Synmome said shaking her skinny neck, getting naked and getting under the covers. “That’s what I get for having a god complex.”

“Look at the bright side, if we make it out alive I bet people will clap for us every Tuesday night.” Mik said, getting into his jimmy jams and snuggling under the covers, giving Utica a quick glomp.

“Goodnight Olivia, Tina, Denali, Gotmilk, LalaRi, Rosé, Simon, kandy, Tamisha, joey and Kahmora my new best friends. Let’s hope this war doesn’t scar us irreparably!” Utica yawned, taking off her novelty Wallace and gromit socks and hugging everyone with her massive arms.

“What about me.” Elliot with 3 k’s said racistly. She was sleeping on the floor because the other girls pushed her off.

“I hope you die first.”

The room erupted with laughter as everyone chortled with glee. The laughing died down and Tina blew out the burning candle next to the bed and everyone snuggled in, drifting away into sweet slumber.

Hours drifted by. Utica was having a wet dream about Jacob and Edward except they were lesbians and they weren’t vampires or werewolves they were accountants. A bit strange but pretty hot nonetheless. 

Suddenly, In a flash, she was awoken by a massive explosion. Jimeny crickets! A bomb had gone off!

Everyone stirred from their slumbers in a panic and went to see the commotion. Joey burst out in tears. 

“It’s Tina! She’s stepped on a landmine!” He sobbed, pausing his game of fortnite and pointing out the window. “She was outside burning calories, and now she’s burning! She’s on fire!!”

“Oh man.” Denali danced.

“Yeah that’s not good.” Rosé agreed.

There she was, laying on the grass all mangled and bloody and stuff. It was pretty grotesque. Utica went outside and kneeled by her, holding her hand in her dying moments. Or maybe it was her foot. Either way she was holding the shit out of that appendage.

“Tell my wife...she’s the light of my life and if I had the chance...I’d do it all again.”

Utica nodded at her dying request. Of course she wasn’t going to do that, she had self-diagnosed dementia but the burning lady didn’t need to know that.

“Sayonara...Tingle Burner.”

“It’s Tina-“

And with that, she died. The rain began to pour from the heavens. Utica looked up to the sky and let out a primal roar, tearing her pyjamas off. Things just got real. She would avenge this poor woman, even if it was her own fault she died. Who jogs on an active minefield. 

As god was her witness, she would fight in this war. Even if it killed her. 

For Tina. For god. For freedom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter Tamisha leads the charge into enimy lines and they make fun of elliott some more

**Author's Note:**

> Next chapter Tina burner accidentally steps on a land mine.


End file.
